The Moonlighting Student

The Wisdom of No Escape

November 29th, 2009 8:39 pm —  32 views

sun-behind-meHowever painful, discomforting, or frustrating something is, from such situations is born opportunity to become stronger, more resilient, maybe wiser. There is the saying often voiced in times of strife, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I think I used it in a previous post. I’d like to take it back.

Thinking about it now, it seems a stupid thing to say. It isn’t always true. An innocent friend pointed out; sometimes what doesn’t kill you just makes you weaker. There is truth in that. Imagine having a lung removed. It might not kill you, but you’d definitely be weaker. You wouldn’t be able to run very far or climb multiple flights of stairs. Your body would be weaker. This might be an extreme example, but it illuminates the meaninglessness of a saying.

I read a book some time ago from which the title of this post is taken. Written by a Buddhist monk, the title in full is “The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness.” In this book, Pema Chodron makes the point that working with obstacles is life’s journey. If we are to be truly awake, aware, even enlightened, one has to realize that what one has to deal with in life is normal. Surprises or not. Like a beloved pet being stricken with cancer. These events are what make up life. Obstacle or not, it is what happens. Regardless of the selfish pain one might feel, the sun will rise again tomorrow. You rise with it.

There is no escape. Whether you’ve lost your job, a loved one, or are facing a situation you never thought possible, there is no escape. This is it. Whatever it is. Realizing that there is no escape means accepting a situation. However that doesn’t mean giving up or giving in. Acceptance is a step necessary to move forward. You find another job, get more education, find another to love, or approach a situation from a different perspective. That is how you move forward.

I’m not sure what wisdom is exactly. Maybe it’s taking the stairs slowly when you’re missing a lung. Maybe it’s realizing that things don’t stay the same forever. Maybe it’s accepting that your hair isn’t going to grow back, you aren’t going to get younger, and you don’t have to voice everything that comes to your mind. Maybe it’s accepting that a sympathy card that isn’t personally signed is still a sympathy card.

I’m not looking to escape. I’m not looking for wisdom. I’m just getting up every day, trying to pay attention to things. Trying to be aware that this is life and I’m lucky to be experiencing it.

Image: This is a picture I took of myself entering an elevator in the parking garage off Maynard in Ann Arbor. The sun was bright, shining in a window facing the elevator on the 6th floor.

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So this is the real, the inevitable.

November 18th, 2009 9:30 pm —  32 views

hospitalI don’t want to write this post. In fact, it’s kind of hard to focus at the moment1 as I’m dealing with accepting the inevitable.

I wonder what wise words the Farmer might have right now and sort of wish he were more connected. He’d probably tell me this was normal, and move on to something more pressing like saving a cow or preserving the ground.

But since I’m writing this, alone in my basement, where I can be free of reaction, I wanted to capture the ‘what is’ to some degree. At least I think I do…we’ll see if this gets published or not.

But then, of course I’ll publish it. I wouldn’t want to disappoint Neal Asher, by favorite author2, with anything less than the truth. Not that he’s following. And why would he? If anything, in the world of AI, something would let him know he was mentioned in an emotional post and could inform him accordingly. But shix, who am I kidding. That’s just crazy science fiction.

A cat who has kept me company for years is dying. I would love to be wrong about this assertion and seek validation to the contrary. He isn’t eating, has a hard time getting around because of loss of function in one of his back legs, but in some weird way, we hold out hope. We have an appointment with an oncologist in two days, yet worry that we didn’t keep an appointment sooner. At least I worry about that. Should I have I got him in sooner? Would it matter? Is what is inevitable but nobody has the balls to tell me? And would I believe them anyway?

The wife and I cope with this in careful ways. Threading the days in a balance of avoidance, acceptance, and awareness. But we don’t like it. We very much don’t like it.

Since this is life, and this blog is about life, I’m forcing myself to write about it. Even if I ball my eyes out a year from now when I read it3.

There are a few weeks left in this semester. I’m trying to focus, to deliver quality. And I will. But only when I get past this pain, this angst, this agony. He’s an innocent cat afflicted with something nobody can fix. I have to accept that as real and deal with the inevitable. But I don’t like it one bit.

I’ll keep you posted. Especially if it’s good news. But if it’s bad news, expect another inebriated post. But we’ll get past it, I’m sure. Wiser and damaged for it.

Image: Completely unrelated image commented on before selected. Though having selected it after authoring there is a deviant sense of reasoning. This is a shot of the state mental hospital, after years of neglect followed by renewed interest.

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  1. Thank you backspace and spell check…and bourbon. [↩]
  2. At the moment…don’t get too excited Neal. [↩]
  3. Self…leave a comment on your emotional state the next time you come upon this post. [↩]

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Going as planned, but not entirely

November 10th, 2009 9:51 pm —  36 views

bailey_helpingI can’t even tell you how many times I’ve started a blog post then abandoned it for various reasons. Most times it’s in the morning and I think I have something meaningful to write. Then I start to write and it just sounds lame.

Looking at the date of my last post I decided I’d better get something out there that says something about what I’ve been going through as a student, a husband, and programmer at an “international” software company.

Funny how that sounds a bigger deal than perhaps it is. I’m a programmer, yes. I work for an international company, yes. But it’s not like we’re Apple or Microsoft. I suppose there are facets of the business that reach into the lives of people around the globe, but where I happen to be, relative to the corporate hierarchy, is somewhere near the nowhere. But there is no point belaboring this at the moment. Times are changing and I continue to offer my best, hoping the right people see it.

On the home front we’ve been dealing with a cat that has developed unusual symptoms for which the veterinarian has no explanation. He’s been lethargic (the cat, not the vet), hasn’t had much of an appetite, and most recently seems to be losing some function of one of his back legs. We aren’t sure if this is pain related or something else.

We’re worried sick about him and have hard time thinking of anything else. We have no kids, but have had our cats for over 10 years and are pretty fond of their presence. We’ll give him the medicine the vet prescribed and watch him carefully every day. But honestly, I’m missing my study companion. It’s kind of hard to deal with. :(

Work has been challenging, like always. I know I can do better, I know there are things I should say or do that would make things go more smoothly, but I’m reluctant sometimes for obvious, or perhaps not so obvious reasons. I like my job and want to keep it.

So I push onward, through this semester, toward my final semester at the School of Information. Soon I will register for my last semester and will start my last 15 weeks of moonlighting. I’m ready for this journey to end but will miss much about it. Student loans are huge and will plague me for years. Like my first round of academic adventures, I hope this venture proves as useful.

Life continues and I can only do so much about it. Such it be.

Image: This is the gimpy cat who can’t jump onto my desk at the moment. I sure hope that changes. I miss him sunning himself under my desk lamp.

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